Best and Worst Bad Movies

People spend way too much time deciding on the perfect movie to watch, I’ve decided. Ever been in a group of 3 or more people, and with so many dvd and divx selections at your fingertips, still fail to find one single movie everyone will be willing to devote the next measly 90 minutes to? In contrast, someone will flip on the TV and Happy Gilmore will be playing on Comedy Central for the hundredth time that day, and the same individuals who’d heatedly fought over which Woody Allen movie to watch last night, then fought over whether they even want to watch Woody Allen, well maybe one of his movies that he’s not in, y’know, the serious dramas, but wait I like the ones that he’s in, he’s witty and charming, no he’s stupid, let’s watch Hot Shots, NO we’re not watching fucking Hot Shots—those same people now happily flop onto couches to catch the same old Adam Sandler movie we’ve all seen a million times.

Sometimes I feel like you just have to overcome the initial movie-watching static friction, and that once a movie is already playing people are much more willing to just watch whatever junk is ‘on.’ People will claim to prefer self immolation than be exposed to one minute of a particular movie, but just remember, these people are selfish liars and they are lying to you. Besides, immolation is kinda fun.

Last night, Bevan and I had a hankering for “Lost in Translation,” but Josh said that it was on his top five list of movies he would really truly hate to watch at that moment. This claim isn’t particularly convincing, given the fact that he likes the movie to begin with. Josh responded by saying that although he likes the movie, he really would like to watch it LESS than certain movies he actually hates. All this talk, combined with the garbage below about crowning “Sideways” one of the worst movies ever after only watching half of it, (merely a not-very-good-movie in my opinion), has inspired me to create the following admittedly subjective but undoubtedly definitive lists:

Top 10 movies I have seen all the way through but will actually refuse to spend another minute watching right now and forever:
(I tried to list only movies a fair number of people do enjoy. Finding stuff like “Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2” is too easy.)

10.) Little Nicky
9.) Toys
8.) Boondock Saints
7.) The Shawshank Redemption
6.) Zoolander
5.) Patch Adams
4.) My Big Fat Greek Wedding
3.) Malibu’s Most Wanted
2.) The Blair Witch Project
1.) Love Actually

("Sideways" is probably somewhere around #68. "Lost in Translation" is not on the list at all. I wanted to watch it last night and didn't get to, Josh, you dick.)

And conversely, (inversely? I don't know the difference)...
Top 10 movies I have seen all the way through, readily admit to smelling like poop, but would watch again in a heartbeat:

10.) Three Ninjas
9.) Howard the Duck
8.) 10 Things I Hate About You
7.) Under Siege 2: Dark Territory
(If only for that stripper-cake scene my friend Adro had the timecode memorized for in the 7th grade. Steven Segal is just gravy.)
6.) White Men Can't Jump
5.) Ninja Turtles 3: Turtles in Time
4.) Good Burger
3.) Hackers
2.) Suburban Commando
(Sadly, the only Hulk Hogan/Christopher Lloyd team-up ever to be captured on film)
1.) The Wizard
(I hardcore annoyed my Dad into buying me a Nintendo Power Glove immediately upon seeing this)